Beverley Jandziol

When did you first realise you were neurodiverse? What did you learn about yourself when you were diagnosed?

I was diagnosed with ADHD 4 years ago in my mid-forties, and it was quite a shock. 

However, as long as I can remember I have known that I was different from other people. In part it was due to having a dysfunctional and traumatic upbringing; I experienced a lot of things that were not normal. Growing up in the North-East in the seventies and eighties when it was less diverse meant we looked different as a family of two halves. My Dad is mixed race Jamaican and while he and my twin brother are darker skinned, my sister and I pass as white due to sharing more of our Mum’s racial characteristics. It was disorientating seeing my Dad and brother subject to racial abuse and discrimination that would never be directed at my sister and me. Putting aside the difference in my family upbringing I felt and acted differently to my peers. As a child I would develop intense singular interests that were atypical topics. This often involved determined collecting (e.g. true crime magazines were less of an issue than my interest in mice – I had inadvertently accumulated thirty-five at one point before my Mum said enough was enough). All kids daydream but I could get lost for hours and sometimes days in my imagination. I was social and got on well with other kids but I always felt that I didn’t quite conform. Even shared interests would mean something very different to me compared to my friends.

I only got a diagnosis because I care about inclusion and invited a friend with autism and ADHD to speak to my team. Off the back of this event, a conversation with a colleague who had ADHD made me realise we shared a lot of the same traits and experiences; a ‘penny drop’ moment. I remember going home and saying to my husband I think I may have ADHD and instead of the expected ‘don’t be daft’ response, I saw a look of relief on his face when he confessed, he had suspected it for a long time. Even when I was diagnosed it was still a shock as at the back of my mind, I thought they would say I had some traits but was neurotypical. I had not expected a clear confirmation scoring highly for both attention deficit and hyperactivity. 

Then I felt both relieved and angry that I hadn't known sooner. So many things from my whole life now made sense. I had struggled with exams at school, I was bright but under-achieved in exams often because I couldn’t finish papers due to time blindness. I couldn't act on teachers' hints and tips despite understanding the logic of their advice, such as spending more time on questions that carried more marks. I would often sit in an exam, paralysed and unable to move on. This led to deep anxiety and stress. I didn't get the grades for the university I wanted to go to, but my teacher rang up and said I was brilliant and persuaded them to accept me. The impact was life changing.

I thrived at University and reversed my performance. I was deeply interested in my degree subject matter (Anatomy & Human Biology) and I got a first. I continued to do a Masters and a PhD in Cell Biology. But this came at a cost. I had to expend a huge amount of effort and energy to succeed and had to use some unhealthy coping strategies. When studying for exams or writing theses I would become nocturnal, working all night and sleeping during the day. I would self-medicate to artificially sustain this pattern using sleeping aids and high caffeine supplements. I would have other rituals to enable me to focus and be productive, listening to the same track on repeat (which was a kind of white noise as I can’t concentrate in silence) and I would eat the same food every day. In hindsight I can now see these were mechanisms to remove procrastination and distractions. This was the system I used for the whole of my university career up until my PhD. I knew it worked but I didn't know why I needed to do it, and I missed out on a lot of the fun of university particularly as an undergraduate as I had to work twice as hard. 

While I have had a successful and varied career I know of two occasions when I have almost been fired. I believe this is partly because I am direct and straightforward, and I don’t automatically do what I am told. I won’t tell people what they want to hear. I like to lead and deliver in a way that is aligned to my values, authentic to me and focused on doing the right thing and I prioritise this over self-preservation. ADHD perhaps means that I am a bit blunt and impulsive which can lead to me spending less time reflecting before acting compared to others. I am always professional, kind and constructive but sometimes people are uncomfortable with direct challenge, curiosity and questioning. On both these occasions, I didn’t lose my job because I was high performing, trusted and had built strong relationships, but I am very aware that it could have gone horribly wrong. 

Overall, the diagnosis was liberating. I had so much greater self-awareness of who I am, finally understanding why some things are so simple for others and difficult for me

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As you have stepped up into leadership positions, how has being neurodiverse helped you and how has it held you back? 

I think there have been far more positives than negatives. 

I have always taken jobs I am interested in which has allowed me to focus. I worked in the private sector for 19 years before joining the civil service. I joined at Deputy Director level in the Cabinet Office and within 5 months I was deployed in Covid testing. This played to all my strengths - high pressure, fast paced and despite the horrendous long days it was an environment I thrived in (although it wasn’t sustainable for such an extended duration). While some would be crippled with anxiety operating in this way, it doesn’t affect me in that way and it's motivating and plays to my strengths. I recently gave evidence at the Covid Inquiry. I was questioned for 90 minutes while live streamed on You Tube; a daunting experience in principle but it was far less stressful for me than it should have been. When I am interested in something and have attained detailed knowledge I have a crazy photographic memory for recall which gives me confidence.

I have a high-risk appetite and combined with my interest in data, analytics and evidence means I am confident in taking risks but in a calculated way. During Covid for example, I had people in my team doing things that would usually be done by someone much more senior. Because I am comfortable with high-risk scenarios, I would encourage people to stretch themselves and empower them to take decisions but I made it clear I had their backs as accountability would sit with me. I am very interested in people and was able to strike a balance of knowing when they needed my support vs. giving them autonomy. This is by getting to know people and setting a culture of openness. This really helped get the best out of people and it was amazing seeing all sorts of different people thrive. 

I lead with authenticity, am approachable and open. I don't really have a filter which humanises me so I am not an inaccessible SCS2. I am so pleased that people from inside and outside my team don’t hesitate to say ‘can I have a chat with you? I would like your advice on something.’ I am comfortable with acknowledging when I make mistakes, and I am open about that. The most important thing is how you fix it and  learn from it. I think these attributes have held me in good stead in my career and not conforming and being confident in my difference has helped me stand out during my time in the Civil Service. 

Another attribute is having thick skin. I can take difficult feedback and won't take it personally. This does not mean that I tolerate rudeness or poor behaviour but being open to receiving direct feedback has helped in building awareness of my development points as a leader and enabled me to take positive action. This is a real strength.

On the challenges - I am either high functioning or incompetent which is quite exhausting to balance. Unfortunately, the incompetent part is often related to the most basic of tasks of everyday life e.g. personal admin, losing important items, just about avoiding burning or flooding my house. Form filling or decluttering can lead to a meltdown leaving me in tears and struggling to breathe. This happened to me recently, I needed to clear out my wardrobe, it was full of stuff that shouldn't be in a wardrobe, it made me feel so anxious. I know lots of people say they hate admin, but the anxiety and consequent reaction is extreme and can easily tip into a panic attack. The problem with this is I want to focus on the stuff I like to do and then I burn out because I overwork or overschedule too many personal commitments. It has been a lifelong constant battle to try and strike a balance. 

I take medication for my ADHD. I really like working in the office and medication helps me to deal with the chaos of leaving the house in the morning. When I came off medication, I only managed to make it into the office 1 day a week, compared to my usual 4 days. This is  because even though I am up very early, I couldn't get myself organised enough to get my daughter to school and myself ready to be in work on time so I would end up being stuck at home as I had missed my window to get in.

What do you think we can do to better harness the strengths and skills of those with Neurodiversity across the civil service?

I like this question. I think it is relevant for people who are neurodivergent and those who are neurotypical. Line management is important. We don't value it properly or recognise the time it takes to do it well. Knowing people in your team as individuals, understanding their strengths is so important for enabling people to be at their best. When I worked in the Complex Transactions Team in the Cabinet Office, we would complete a skills audit, looking at soft skills as well as technical and sector experience. People would self-evaluate their strengths. This would help us think about where to deploy people. For example, considering soft skills as well as technical would help us know whether someone would  be the right fit for a project. I think we need to be more proactive in asking people ‘what are your strengths’, ‘what are you good at’ as well as what areas they can develop and be honest about where there are gaps that may always remain just that. We can then better deploy people into roles that play to their strengths. Often performance issues are because people are just not in the right roles. This can make people feel defensive, insecure and worried. If we had more honest conversations and operated in a more agile way so that we could ensure people were allocated work that leveraged their strengths it would be transformative for individuals, wider teams and productivity. Imagine the impact we could make in the civil service if we operated in a way that valued the importance of great line management, empowered agility to match skills to roles and move away from a model where the only way to progress is to increase line management responsibility when this challenging role is not suited to all?